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We Love KPop

Week #19

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Dear Heart,

Perhaps I haven’t been fair to you, but I really need for you to be strong right now. It’s just you and me and we have to face the world by ourselves. So, I can’t have you falling apart on me right now. I know you miss him but you have to agree with me he’s not ours to hold on to. We have to let him go. I’m sure there’s someone out there lucky enough that gets to hold him and kiss him, but you and I have to find a way to just be happy for him instead of constantly wanting him.

Do you remember how all this started? It wasn’t because of his pretty face or talent, was it? It was his charity work. I remember the exact moment when it happened – it was when I read the tag line for his Foundation. It was an idea that showed depth of understanding of how to use his position to change the world. The mind behind that thought was immeasurably more beautiful than any physical characteristic to me. That was me falling into the rabbit hole. Once I was in, there was really no turning back. The work the charity focused on showed that he had taken up being a voice to those who had none, bringing forth the force of his following to amplify that voice. It truly is the single most appealing quality about him, isn’t it? It is so easy to be attracted to his singular mind and straight-forward, no nonsense voice. I suppose in retrospect I should’ve expected I’d fall for him, but at that time he just represented light in the world, a confirmation that there are people worth looking up to still left in the human race.

 

Perhaps it doesn’t really matter how this journey started. The reality today is I need you to accept facts and not cling to fantasy. Think of it this way, he’s the brightest, single most constant star in the night sky and he is there to guide all of us in our various journeys. Which means, his soulmate is likely the moon or another star. Not a human down on earth. We can look up and marvel at his brightness and be grateful for his guidance but that won’t really change anything about how he feels towards us, does it?

Yes, I know you wish we were stars alongside him or the moon or at least a semi-distant planet but we’ve had this conversation before. We are each uniquely designed puzzle pieces with a purpose in this world. His is to be our North Star, but ours is not to walk the same path. You, my heart, you are my only true companion in our journey to fulfill our rather mundane purpose. It doesn’t mean we won’t make a difference. It just means the difference we make will be a little smaller and perhaps more personal – a smile here, a kind word there, a shoulder to support someone who needs help walking and maybe a home cooked meal for someone devastated. That’s our kind of purpose, my heart. Do you now understand why we can’t really compete for his heart?

I already agreed with you that his mind intrigues me. I love his singular focus, the discipline with which he drives himself forward. I can’t quite tell whether he really has a grand plan but my sense is he plans in phases and doesn’t waste time in the day-to-day minutia. From what I can tell phase I was becoming a known name in his local industry, phase II was becoming the top in that local sphere, then it was becoming the top brand in the region and now it’s stepping out to the global stage. Someday, when he’s achieved that I’m sure he will use that global brand to do more good too. It’s like until he reaches his goal in the phase he’s in, he doesn’t worry about the next phase and lives in the moment. But when he’s achieved the goals for that phase, then he deliberately plans the next phase and puts it into action. It’s a beautiful thing to see the path he’s traveled, the work he’s put into it and how well he’s executed the plans. But for me, the deliberate way he makes the plans show the beauty of his mind and yes, the way his mind works is sexier to me than almost anything else. If I could, I would sit beside him silently and watch him set the dominoes for the rest of this life… so there, I’m admitting to you, my dear heart, that I’m a lost cause too. But since we don’t have the option to sit beside him till eternity ends, I’m proposing we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and at least try to serve our mundane purpose. What do you say?

No, my heart, I don’t lack confidence in us. I do accept our looks are mediocre, our purpose commonplace and our means perhaps only marginally above average. But that doesn’t mean I think we are less. All I want is for you and I to be able to walk our path without constant sadness because we miss him. But don’t get me wrong, my heart. I’m not asking you to stop missing him. I know that’s impossible. I think I just want to accept we’ll miss him but not let that cripple us. I need us to remember our youth is behind us and our time is short. Even if our purpose is small, we still need to achieve it while we have time to walk this earth. And more than anything else, I don’t want to ever wish him anything less than absolute happiness. If that means wishing that the one he loves will love him back with the same intensity as we do, then I want us to have the strength to wish him that. None of that I hope you are happy but not happier garbage people sing these days.

I know once we jumped into the rabbit hole things got harder. Perhaps this is the part I’m apologizing to you. As beautiful as his mind is, once we got to hear his voice there really was no stopping the fall. It wasn’t just beautiful, it was familiar. It felt like a long-forgotten memory slowly resurfacing and filling you with longing for more every day. I didn’t anticipate finding happiness in a distant voice like that. That is perhaps where I failed you, my heart. I should’ve realized how my need to hear his voice was going to hurt you. But I can’t regret it either. I still don’t want to let that voice go. This is why I’m standing here begging you to be strong. Because despite how much it hurts you, I won’t let his voice fade. It is everything to me…

I know you are the best part of me, my heart. Even though you’ve never had that quiet happiness you’ve always searched for, you have kept me true through this lonely life. You’ve let me love people even when you knew they would never measure up. You’ve stood by me when I finally accepted the hollowness of this life and the selfishness of people. But I know all that was easier to endure than what you feel for him. I’ve seen how easily a couple of words from his lips can make you dance. I know whenever the world gets to be too much you want to bury your face in his chest and wish for his arms to hold you. I’ve heard your quiet sobs when he forgets us. Trust me, I know you see a kindred spirit in him and you want nothing more than to walk by his side and love him and treasure him with every breath. I know you see in him the quiet happiness you’ve always searched for over the years.

But you understand we are one among many, many millions that want the same from him, right? The beauty of his mind, the innocence of his spirit, the kindness of his heart – they call for others the same way they call for you. Everyone loves him with almost complete abandon and without much thought to rational reasoning. Same as you, they don’t know how to stop adoring him either. 

Now do you see the problem? Do you see why we have to stand on our own and keep walking our path without falling apart? He will continue to be our NorthStar. We’ll continue to listen to his voice. And yes, we’ll always miss him. But this yearning to be by his side and be his first and last kiss every day is completely delusional. Falling apart every time he shows interest in anyone else is even worse. Because you know, one day he will fall in love, get married, have children. He deserves that happiness. He deserves the soulmate that will make his life bearable. The faster we accept that reality the better we’ll be able to carry on when that happens. Don’t you think?

Well, my heart, I know I’m asking a lot from you. But I have faith in you. Let’s make a pact today to love him with every breath in every lifetime but let’s find the strength in us to accept our place in this great puzzle of a universe and do our part while we still have the chance to make a difference. I know we’ll miss him often, and we’ll cry a little when he moves on. But he’ll always be our North Star and we can forever adore him from our little corner on this earth.

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